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The Wedding of Mary Santora

Did you miss Mary’s wedding last night? Well, if so, don’t worry. So did the groom. But luckily we were at Hilarities Tuesday night to witness it. Here’s a recap so you can lie and tell her you were there too.

The evening began playfully with a Prestige Worldwide/Entertainment 720-type parody as Mike Polk, Jr. and Jimmie Graham came out dressed like matching organ-grinder monkeys. Flanked by their more gorilla-like DJ, Carl Ferrara, inexplicably billed as “Hot Carl”. So there was palpable irony right from the start. But one thing was clear and literal...Party Starters Entertainment was in the house and getting the party started. Zero irony there.

First things first, Father Mike McIntyre of the Plain Dealer came out to bless the whole event with his official benediction. Dressed like the creepy priest he would be were he a priest, I was fully prepared to find this comedy critic unfunny. Not the case. He consistently invoked the name of the “Almighty Nick Kostis” and asked for his benevolent blessing on many things. He also threw in a nice, pervy compliment to Mike Polk, Jr. when he pointed out that Mike had grown nice and tall since his altar boy days but a little too tall for certain unseemly altar boy duties, as he used to be the perfect height. Church would be much more livable if praying was this funny.

After a less than proper blessing, it was time to introduce the wedding party.

Groomsman: Brian Kenny

Bridesmaid: Laura Wimbels

Best Man: Bill Squire

Maid of Honor: Dwayne Duke.

Bill squire gave his toast/roast first. As Best Man speeches often do, it went a little off-topic and got a little weird. Luckily, Mike Polk, Jr. (of Party Starters Ent.) reigned things back in expertly by chiming in with a “keep it together, man”. That was all it took and the Best Man was again at his best by pointing out that, despite people clamoring for he and Mary to get together, it wouldn’t work because “we can both do better”. Then added “I don’t know the science behind how it works but it does”. Nobody gets science, Bill. Well said.

Mary is a comedian. Most of her friends are comedians. So it should surprise no one that what followed was an “unflattering montage” of Mary throughout the years. Toilet pics, contortion poses (thankfully separate!), and a few Alec Baldwin eating off the floor-type shots, etc., etc. Very hard to translate but it was predictably funny.

Mike Polk then gave special guest Josh Volchko a warm intro by insisting it was completely Mary’s choice to have the special guests and he wanted nothing to do with it. Josh is recently wed. And he had his own perspectives on marriage in general. In honesty, I do not remember them and I did not note them. Take that as you will. Little that I do has any actual meaning so don’t read too much into it. They serve drinks at fake weddings.

Having been raised as a Catholic, I was surprised I didn’t know about this next tradition....ex-fiancé bashing via video. I haven’t known anyone else whose wedding got called off at a late stage, but if I ever do I am going to suggest this. It’s not as ingenious as it is playfully spiteful with a splash of nostalgic pettiness. Which was perfect for the occasion. I thought it was very big of Mary’s ex to sign off on all of this. As I’m absolutely sure occurred.

Next up came Bridesmaid Laura Wimbels. Also “in” a wedding dress. Mike Polk pointed out that the fact that her dress was split up the back to enable it to fit her these days was “very Parma”. Mary, not about to be shown up at her own fake wedding, added her assessment “If a strip mall was a person....”. And then a steak was delivered to Mary onstage.

Next up was Mary’s drunk brother, aka: Kris Wernowsky. I am not religious but I have endured my fair share of church. However, Kris touched on parts of the Bible I was unfamiliar with. Like the part in Corinthians where there is a fingering at a Brad Paisley concert. I assume he meant a guitar? I don’t know for sure. He was wearing a sombrero for unknown reasons and Polk openly suspected racist undertones. “I love how wearing a sombrero is the universal symbol for being drunk”. So there you have it, Mike Polk “loves” racism. His words, not mine.

Special guest up next was Mr. John Bruton. The usual sexual tension between Mary and John ensued. Mary mocked John by saying her steak was the “only brown meat she is having tonight”. Bruton was not phased and he claims he isn’t interested in Mary because, as he put it to her, “you don’t try”. And then he launched into a vivid description of sex acts Mary had performed on her ex, we’ll refer to him as “Chad” because that’s his real name. Mary then pointed out (with a finger whose hygiene was now in serious question) that her mother was in the audience. Which is weird because anyone who knows John Bruton knows that will encourage him more than it will deter. He ended with a deeply philosophical observation of Mary’s ex-fiancé and self-proclaimed line chef. “Being a chef is different than warming up meatloaf at Winking Lizard”. John wins a lot of arguments by taking inarguable stances.

Party Starters Ent. was not sleeping through this thing. Jimmie Graham was now back inside after stating that he sold a bunch of coke outside. And he was armed with a video montage of his own. Albeit an outdated one. Apparently nobody told Jimmie about the breakup. So his montage was touchingly awkward. Or creepily cute. It was something juxtapositional, I know that. You know the scene in so many movies where the happy family in the car doesn’t know they are about to all die in a horrific crash? This was like watching that video at their group funeral. But with way more discomfort. And Jimmie Graham.

Next up was cousin Cait Hogan’s toast. Her speech was based on Katy Perry. It compared Mary to a firework. Which is apparently a song by said Katy Perry. Had it been a Black Flag or NWA tribute I would’ve understood what was happening much more. But it was still pretty funny.

As if she were running for president of the Slow Learner’s Club, Mary then had Jimmie Graham do a brief interview with her mom in the crowd. Mom was clearly not upset about the breakup. The intimate details she had just learned about Mary’s sex life may have lightened that blow. But I also have seen Mary with her sisters and I’m guessing Mom is pretty unshockable in that regard.

Shocking no one, Dwayne Duke came out in his gown and told us “the same thing I told the tailor..take it all in”. Then he broke out not one, but two “titty flasks”. I’m not 100% sure those are his words but he had flasks where there would usually be titties so....

Special guest Juanda Mayfield brings the funny and the sexy everywhere she goes. And she was thrilled to be in what she called a “trifecta of penis” between Mike Polk, Bill Squire and Brian Kenny. Juanda has certain styles of men she likes. And certain sex positions she does not. She just wants the fun. Save the hard work and any position that requires it. Or trust. Doggy style is fine with her though. So don’t say you never learned anything valuable by reading stuff here.

There was a cousin of the groom skit next. Apparently Chad’s cousin Brad was on a social media cleanse and missed the news of the breakup. Or he was outside buying coke from Jimmie. We don’t know. But that was the jist of it.

So now steps up Brian Kenny. Immediately pointing out what he feels should be obvious... “you’re wearing white? That’s like Squire teaching jazzercise”. He also questioned where Jimmie Graham was actually located as Jimmie’s voice would occasionally chime in from an unknown location.

The traditional garter removal was done in traditional fashion... by a Craigslist stripper. Priced at an oddly specific $42. He successfully removed Mary’s garter from what was described as “well-charted territory” and it was thrown to the crowd.

Also throughout the night there were recurring foot fetish jokes by Jimmie Graham. But I’m not entirely sure they were jokes.

And came the bride. Mary Santora!! She had the last laugh and let everyone know exactly how much that damn dress cost. Complimenting Brian Kenny on his ability to “bury other comics” on lineups by killing it so hard that nobody can follow him, she quickly spiked it by pointing out his diabetes will eventually bury him. I mentioned this was a Catholic wedding right? It got no sweeter for Bill Squire. Who has “lost everything but weight in 2018”. There was plenty more where that came from but you should go see Mary live and experience it for yourself. And she can use the money. That dress didn’t buy itself.

I want to say the whole thing ended on a high note, but it went the other way. A phone was produced. A number was dialed. Apparently the number was that of one “Chad micro-penis”. I can only assume those were the digits of our guest of dishonor. And so they dialed up Chad micro-penis. It was brief but I feel the message was received. That message being a collective “you blew it!” from everyone in attendance.

And that wrapped up a win-win-win for Mary. She got her wedding, she wore her dress...and she gets to stay single. #crushingit